Amends Between Men and Women: The Prayer that broke me open
When I was in medical school in my mid 20s, I was in a workshop of about 80 people in which the teacher asked the men to stand in the middle of the circle facing out and the women stood in a larger circle facing inwards towards the men. She asked us to hold eye contact with someone across from us and then she read aloud the “amends between men and women” prayer by Marianne Williamson. She read slowly, asking each respective group to repeat after her while holding the eye contact of the person across from them. First, the men offered their amends to women and then, in turn, we women offered our amends to the men.
A gentle-eyed man who I didn’t know was holding steady eye contact with me as he repeated the amends to women. As he made his way through the prayer, sincerity in his eyes, something broke open inside me. I fell apart. The type of “fall apart” where I couldn’t stand up. I could barely breathe. I couldn’t make it through my amends in return because I was sobbing so hard. I had to step out of the workshop with the help of a teaching assistant who guided me to my feet and helped me move. I cried, and I cried, and I cried.
And it dawned on me…. I had a lot of work to do. Emotional work. Forgiveness work. Healing work. It was a turning point and a tender new beginning…
And so what did I do?
I started with an incredible therapist. A male therapist who GOT it. Who acknowledged my broken heart. Who let me use up his whole box of tissues each session.
I continued in the weekly workshops with my teacher who led the prayer and I learned to develop a close relationship with my creator, with Spirit, with the universe, with God - call it what you want. And this became a primary and deeply trusted relationship in my life.
I studied with a shaman, a qi gong master, reiki masters, acupuncture masters and energy healers
I continued to heal my body with nutrition, acupuncture, & skillful naturopathic care
I did cleanses, only to discover that physical cleansing supports emotional cleansing and vice versa
I opened up to friends… I talked, I listened, I reflected, I made myself vulnerable, I listened to their vulnerabilities
I studied for 12 years under a Qi gong master who taught me about how we hold emotions and memories in our body and how to move the energy, how to release it & transmute it. I became a Qi gong teacher.
I learned to manage my empathic, highly sensitive nature by setting boundaries, practicing qi gong and self-care. I became an empath educator and coach because that saying is true: if you really want to learn something, teach it.
I learned to be alone: I traveled alone, I camped alone, I road tripped alone. I befriended myself.
I reclaimed trust.
I let myself feel anger and rage. I let it move through my body… uninhibited, frightening, raw. Only to discover that rage is like a cork that can hold in grief and shame, loss, disgust, fear…. I cried some more. I raged some more. Allowing myself to feel anger and rage (in a safe setting) was probably one the the hardest and most transformative steps in my healing.
I married a kind and gentle man. And although we grew in different ways and divorced 13 years later, I am forever grateful for the safe container of our marriage that allowed me to grow into myself
I had 2 children who teach me and make me laugh daily (and humble the heck out of me, make me lose my patience, and wonder if I learned anything in all my personal work)
I apprenticed with a womb awakening mentor for 3 years and learned how to clear, activate and celebrate my feminine life force, my Shakti. I became a womb awakening teacher.
I opened my heart. I released… I reclaimed…. I came home to myself - to my body… to my soul’s calling.
I found forgiveness only to discover that It’s not an act… it’s a natural frequency inside of us - it’s already there, just under layers of emotions and memories and conditioning. It’s inside all of us. And when I lose it under waves of life and emotions, I know where to look for it again…
And what’s next? I asked that question to my teacher last week in a private mentoring session with her- (the same teacher whose class I was in when we recited the prayer 16 years ago). “Share what you’ve learned, Laura.” She said. Share what you’ve learned. “Ok”. I said “I already started…”
“Keep going.”
